I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
