just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
