last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
did i walk over a car last night?
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
