She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
