Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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