Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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