He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Randomize
