It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
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