turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
