Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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