I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
