I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
