you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Less talking, more tequila
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Liz is crying about burritos again.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
