Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
