How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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