I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
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