I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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