I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
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