So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
