I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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