There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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