Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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