When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
