While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
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I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
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I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize