Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
