her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
as a side note pls kill me
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
