Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
