So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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