his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
