bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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