Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Randomize
