you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
