Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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