wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
