Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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