Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
