I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
