About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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