thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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