found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
