so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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