Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
