Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
