there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Watching her eat just hurts me
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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