I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
