Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
