...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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