Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
