using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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