I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
