There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Randomize
