Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
