i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
