I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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