I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
