So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
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