Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
