Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Randomize
