i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
